Memories.... Or NOT!

The only reason I am updating this blog is because they were going to delete my access to it. The thing I find funny about reading the few posts here..... is that although I know that I wrote them, I have no recollection of doing so. The human brain and memory are just such a mystery.

ok- so i guess i am no better at writing online than i am at writing at home. surprise surprise.

maybe if i just do some lists, i will write more? it's worth a shot. at least today it is.

Signs my devoted(?) husband was having an affair:
- long black hairs on my bathroom floor
-started wearing wife-beaters
-quit having sex and made up stupid reasons why
-incense in the attic
-christmas lights hanging in the rafters of the attic
-MY dog peed in the bed whenever i was out of town. (good girl!!)
-started sleeping whenever i was around. changed his sleeping schedule so that he was awake during the day when i was working.
-sade cd when he liked listening to metallica
-his love of that damn michael jackson butterfly song
-started taking some other woman's kids to school- found this out from my delightful stepsons when reading to them before bed (when no good H was asleep! betcha after that happened, he told them not to mention her again.)
-he was completely cold and insensitive when my father died.
-my gifts became gift certificates. he no longer put any thought into me or what i might like- when he had always been great about buying the perfect gift before
- the love letters stopped
-all the "private" calls on the caller id. when questioned on this one- he said they were just telemarketers.
-quit driving my car altogether- because he didn't want me to drive his. freaked out when i would pull his car out of the driveway.
-got a safe deposit box- secretly
-got himself a watch that was also a pager
-stopped calling me at work in the morning when he would get home from his night at work. this had been a ritual for him
-got a tattoo without even discussing it with me. he used to discuss everything down to the tiniest physical change with me
-those damn canker sores he got all the time. i knew that he got them from oral sex with a woman- which we were NOT doing. he even admitted that oral sex gave him sores...

weekend was good- any day that i do not have to come into work is pretty much a day to be appreciated and adored.

friday night had wanted to see friend who is allergic to wheat. we will call her celia- given the fact she is a celliac. celia bailed on me. said she just didn't have the energy to go out. wanted to veg all weekend. had wanted to see her, so that was disappointing. but that happens sometimes with her, esp when the weather has been bad. she just doesn't have the spunk that most people do. she's only 37, but celia is tired out quite often... no it isn't that she's trying to avoid me. she really is just laying around at home alone reading.

have you ever noticed that when you have really good sex while listening to a certain cd- you can hear that music again at the strangest times and it will take you mentally right back to that exact moment? and if the sex is really good- that music will warm your heart forever, even if you aren't with that person anymore and wouldn't really like that band otherwise?

i know some of the best sex i had was with this air force guy in nc. we were on his living room floor listening to the wallflowers. so now- i just can't get rid of that cd. it's been well over 6 yrs since that day- but that cd still means something to me. i have no idea what ever happened to that boy. bright blue eyes. tattoo of an ant on his shoulder. for all i know- he's over in iraq right now. or married with 4 kids. but to me, he will always be brought to mind every time i hear jakob dylan's voice. (which isn't all that often)

most recent sex cd- john mayer. was eating at a japanese restaurant on wednesday- when one of his songs came on. took my mind straight into the gutter. i so love that. i hope that is the same for everyone.

my soon to be ex did not like to listen to music when having sex. what was up with that? he said something about it messed up his rhythm. the guy was a drummer. how could music screw up his sexual rhythm?? then when i found out he was having an affair- i found his AFFAIR sex cd- Sade. guess his rhythm got better with her? who knows! when i asked him about it- he wouldn't talk about it honestly. i was just curious- the damage was done. wouldn't answer my questions though..... hmmmmm....

well, i got hooked on reading other people's blogs, so i thought i might give it a try myself. i have a journal at home that i just don't seem to have the time to write in anymore, so this may take the place of that. at the very least, this will keep me from obsessively reading other people's blogs, at least I hope it will. or maybe it will help me keep my life more interesting? who knows....

thought originally that i would start off with a little background info. wrote a bit out. then decided i wanted to start fresh. no rehashing too much old news.

last night was fun. went out with a friend from work. he was an indian food virgin. he absolutely loved it. which is wonderful. got into a long political discussion. had no idea he was so conservative. it was like talking politics with my dad again. me the liberal defending my views, with him extolling the virtues of the bush administration. i really thought he was a liberal like me. you would think so. he's got his nipples pierced and everything. but no. loved the discourse though. back and forth. have missed having a conservative to talk with about politics. haven't had one since my dad died suddenly in may. c was a blast to talk to. he is fickle though. jumps in and out of my life like a someone doing the hokey pokey. i wish he wasn't that way.

we did have some good talks last night. i found out finally why he had disappeared back in december. AND i found out that i have hurt his feelings in the past. this is a man who i have seen show very little emotion. would not tell me what i had done, just that there had been things i have said that really hit him. why do people do that? just so you can wonder exactly what it is you did for hours on end? just so you can wonder what an ass you can be?? i finally fessed up to the fact that him up and disappearing hurt my feelings. he apologized. i know he will do it again. it's in his nature. he runs when he starts to feel close to someone. afraid of attachment. afraid of being hurt again. his ex really did a job on him.